Yours Toothfully by Dr Chan Joon Yee

Those of you who buy a particular brand of air-con had better be sure you don’t do naughty things. That’s because this brand of air-con obviously have an important image to upkeep. These folks actually dropped their spokesman for having an affair. Or are they dropping him because his affair was exposed?

yao mo gao chor ah? What has Jack Neo’s affair got to do with air cons? Are people who buy that brand of air con so squeaky clean that they would be too disgusted to support the brand if it’s promoted by a celebrity who has cheated on his wife? Actually, he didn’t even bother to cheat. His wife knew about it all along. She just decided to close one eye and here comes a bunch of moralists telling everyone that he should neither be forgiven nor be allowed to promote energy-saving, easy to clean air cons.

I’m glad mine is a Fujitsu.

Now let’s talk about the women. Singapore has indeed come a long way. Our women have won us Olympic medals and fought their way to the summit of Everest. For the sake of diversity and forgetting Annabel Chong who is no longer in business, we now have our very own Monica Lewinsky. In fact, I think Wendy Chong has surpassed Monica Lewinsky in more ways than one.

OK. So Jack Neo was more careful than Bill Clinton. He made sure there weren’t any hairs left in his car. He didn’t give Wendy Chong a chance to keep a stained dress unwashed for 2 years. Even without DNA or potential YouTube video evidence, this young lady had dared to go public with their affair. Amazing.

Even more amazing were the young ladies who jumped on the bandwagon to claim that Jack Neo has made advances at them. Which attractive young lady hadn’t have horny guys making passes at them? Why didn’t they complain about the Ah Pek at the coffeshop who kept staring at the butts? Why didn’t they complain about the foreign worker on the crowded MRT who tried to elbow their breasts? What about the guys on MSN and Skype who keep asking them to turn on their webcams? Does it really make sense to complain about these folks and warn other girls who probably faced even more nuisances and harrassment than they ever did? They think our girls are so stupid that they need them to play martyr, expose their own affairs so that others can learn something from it? As if our pretty girls who are so used to unwelcome advances, don’t already know how to protect themselves.

But it’s Jack Neo! That makes all the difference. Luckily I’m not into show biz.

Singapore’s most trusted professions

1. Firefighter

2. Doctor

3. Judge

4. Teacher

5. Surgeon

6. Pilot

7. Paramedic

8. Nurse

9. Pharmacist

10. Dentist

yao mo gao chor ah? Dentist is No. 10? People trust firefighters more than doctors and surgeons? Interesting findings there. I certainly hope none of my patients were in that survey, but I can’t help but wonder. To me, firefighters are a rather obscure breed of individuals. I probably know more secret agents than firefighters. But seriously, I’m no snob. I have real friends who are taxi drivers and hawkers. I trust that Alfred and Eddy would take me to my destination via the shortest route. I trust that James won’t try to mask the smell of stale seafood with spices when I visit his stall for supper. Firefighter? Sorry, I can’t recall.

How many firefighters do these folks really know and how did they get to know them? Unless these folks store petrol in their homes, they probably see a doctor more often than they see a firefighter. Could doctors have given them such a bad impression that they would rather have their prescriptions written by a firefighter? Interesting.

Don’t get me wrong. I do trust that if my home is on fire, the guys in the red helmets would be rushing down and risking their lives to save me. Without them I would be literally toast. But frankly, if a doctor, dentist, teacher, pilot, nurse, pharmacist friend (I actually have friends in those professions, even a former judge) and a firefighter whom I hardly know want to borrow money from me, I would give my money to the doctor dentist, teacher, pilot, nurse, pharmacist any day.

So what is it that makes people trust firefighters so much? Do firefighters hold concerts and get the girls screaming when they tear their shirts apart? Do firefighters hang out a lot in public, do a lot of community work, kiss babies, shake hands with hawkers … oops … wrong profession. Is it the civil defence exercises and demonstrations that always have a very big wow factor? Is it Gurmit Singh and Michelle Chia that appeared so cool in the local drama series Lifeline?

I’m sure Gurmit and Michelle have their fans and there are people who rave over Lifeline. But apart from yours truly who never followed the series (I had to do a Google search to recall its name), there are other people who don’t think that much of the fiery series either:

http://faithtoh.blogspot.com/2005/11/lifeline-kills-me.html

So for some strange reason, there are (hopefully intelligent) people who still trust firefighters more than the other listed professions. Do I think it’s a problem? What can I do to improve patient confidence if dentists rank so low in the trusted list? Maybe I should employ an ex-firefighter to collect money from my patients. Or perhaps I should wear a firefighter’s helmet when I work. That should make my patients feel more secure.

In his will, Ho Chi Minh stated quite clearly that he wished to be cremated and have his ashes scattered in the hills of north, central, and southern Vietnam. It’s interesting to note that in spite of the deep respect that the powers that be seem to have for President Ho, they went against the hero’s wishes and built a mausoluem to house his preserved body.

The main structure, sitting on a parade square, is 21.6 metres high and 41.2 metres wide. Flanking the mausoleum are two platforms with seven steps for parade viewing. The plaza in front of the mausoleum is divided into 240 green squares separated by pathways. The gardens surrounding the mausoleum have nearly 250 different species of plants and flowers, all from different regions of Vietnam.

From a distance, the parade square looks interesting enough, but don’t ever try to get in from the numerous pathways. They are all guarded by whistle-blowing policemen. There are many ways by which you may leave the compound, but there is only one way to get in. No, it’s totally free and they are not afraid of visitors entering without paying. The most fundamental ruling here, is that you must pay your respect to Ho Chi Minh’s embalmed body before you can explore the other parts of the mausoleum.

Hence, even though there are numerous pathways leading to the mausoleum and no fences or signs saying that you can’t get in that way, you can be sure a whistle will be blown at you if you try to get in without first clearing security.

1. No bags allowed.
2. No cameras
3. No shorts or short skirts
4. No smoking
5. No hats

At the only dedicated entrance, you must join a long queue of Vietnamese and curious and probably unsuspecting foreigners. After going through airport-like security screening, you surrender you camera and bag. These will be treated as checked in luggage. Once you begin your “journey” into the mausoleum, two by two like school children, the checked in cameras and bags will be transported to the exit where you’ll collect them. Everybody was understandably uneasy about it. Would they lose their bags or cameras?

Depending on the crowd, you may have to stand for hours on the “parade square” before entering the air-con mausoleum. As you approach the red vinyl “carpet”, further regulations come into force.

1. No talking.
2. No hands in the pockets.

Every few metres, there would be a soldier in white to make sure that you obey those regulations. Ho Chi Minh’s body is housed in a glass coffin in a darkened room. His body is illuminated by a couple of spotlights. Visitors walk anti-clockwise around the body and then exit the mausoleum proper. The surrendered cameras are waiting at the exit. They are transported there from the entrance with perfect timing. If only Vietnamese airports could be so efficient.

Once out of the mausoleum, you are free to take pictures - that is provided you don’t get too close to the folks who are just about to enter the mausoleum. Try taking their picture and some grouchy policeman will shout at you. I’m sure we all respect and admire Ho Chi Minh. Do the keepers of the mausoleum need to go to such lengths to impose and ensure that respect? But then again, such practices are not unique to Vietnam and nobody needs to be surprised.

It was a misty, chilly morning, 14deg C with a light breeze that made it seem colder. As I left the mausoleum with a lot more freedom to choose my path of exit than my path of entry, I couldn’t help noticing the glare of the huge communist slogans hanging on either side of the mausoleum. Equally glaring were the red flags with yellow sickles flapping in the wind. Looking through the mist, I caught a glimpse of what is really enshrined here.

Thankfully, the majority of modern, thinking Vietnamese only pay lip service to ideologies which liberated them from French rule. On the streets, the cars and motorbikes choose their own paths of entry and exit.

Translations/interpretations:

Friendliness is conducive to business success.; Amiability attracts riches.; An even temper brings wealth.; Good-naturedness is a source of wealth; Harmony brings wealth.; Peace breeds wealth.

A even temper brings wealth. This is my favourite. It doesn’t matter if some ignorant, impulsive, impatient and bad tempered brats don’t believe in it. The key to business success is not really “smartness” but good and bold strategy, hardwork, discipline, patience and an even temper. These beliefs are part and parcel of Chinese culture, especially during Chinese New Year.

During this festive season, there is plenty of buying and selling, cleaning and renewing. Demand for goodies like seafood, meat, vegetables go up. Prices follow suit. Schedules may get disrupted as people postpone major undertakings to after the new year. Along with all that, comes a bit of stress. But the party is about to start. We cast our worries aside, put on our finest attire and behaviour and greet the new year with a big smile.

When I was a kid, I was often admonished not to speak of anything negative during Chinese New Year. It doesn’t mean that we bury our heads in the sand. It simply means that we don’t spoil the festive mood which we remembered so well as kids. And I really enjoyed my Chinese New Year back then. All the sweets and good food. Catching up with relatives and friends. And of course, those red packets.

When I was a swinging single, I’ve called home from Thailand, Myanmar, India, Nepal and various other exotic destinations during Chinese New Year. Many people couldn’t understand why I would want to do something like that. Have I forgotten all the fun I had as a child? I guess like many other singles whose marriage was long overdue, I packed up and flew off to escape the irritating “so when are you getting married?” from my elders.

With my own family and kids now, Chinese New Year ought to be a lot more meaningful than before. Many people can’t understand why I still want to escape. Because one hand can never clap. I’m the only real Chinese at home who understands that Chinese New Year is not just about hanging red decorations. It’s not just about eating pineapple tarts, prawn rolls, love letters and kueh bangkit. It’s also about visiting, mingling, forgiving, forgetting and looking beyond the minor disputes and irritations around us.

Ironically, it is during this period that people who are either unfamiliar with the culture or who were not properly brought up would take the opportunity of reunion to rake up the past, reopen old wounds and pick fights. What is the point of hanging joyous couplets, keeping the brooms locked up or even praying to the god of fortune? To me, those are just superstitions. What really helps us prosper is to make peace with as many people who matter as possible, so we can focus on business and not fighting and grumbling.

There is no way I can impart values of even temper, tolerance, making do with less, patience and harmony when negative demonstrations fill the house. Year after year, there has been no exception. If anything, I have more reason to escape Chinese New Year now than ever before.

Happy New Year, everybody. Signing off until I come home from my trip.