Yours Toothfully by Dr Chan Joon Yee

Who killed the Little Dragon Girl (小龙女)?

No, I’m not talking about the China girls who have spread their wings all over the world to earn a quick buck in the love industry. I’m talking about the once beautiful Idy Chan Yuk Lin who captured the hearts of millions of Hongkong Drama fans in the early 80s with the highly popular series 神雕侠侣 (Condor Heroes or something like that).

It’s amazing what television can do to people in those days. I was a 19-year-old army boy and like other boys my age, Idy Chan was an angel in human form. Many of us identified ourselves with the young Andy Lau. His “gu gu” was a strong yet gentle creature - like a teacher that a boy would have a secret crush on. Idy Chan’s portrayal of Little Dragon Girl was such a hit that even the author of 神雕侠侣, Jin Yong, after watching so many later versions of 神雕侠侣 based on his novel, had to admit that Idy Chan was the first and the best. Idy Chan was for Condor Heroes, what Sean Connery was for James Bond.

It was this drama series that shot Andy Lau to fame as well. The rest is history. But for Idy Chan, history took a very different turn. She became very famous with 神雕侠侣 and she was deeply adored by the audience from Hongkong to Taiwan, Malaysia to Singapore. But unlike Andy Lau, she was soon forgotten. Images of Idy Chan that one can still readily find are mostly of the actress in her Little Dragon Girl appearance. It’s not that she didn’t have any movies after Condor Heroes. It’s just that everyone only wanted to remember her as the pure and fairy-like Little Dragon Girl.

The problem started when Idy Chan acted in the category III movie Siamese Twins. I was a freshman when I saw the censored version of the movie in Singapore. It didn’t affect me much, probably because I was still sober enough to see her as an actress and not my “gu gu”. Unfortunately, many big boys were deeply disappointed. Idy Chan’s fairy-like image was shattered. Like little boys discovering the truth about Santa Claus, these big boys discovered that their “gu gu” was no angel and they couldn’t take it.

The biggest and most disappointed boy amongst them was one Chow Yuen Fatt - then Idy Chan’s boyfriend. According to gossips and rumours (where else do you get entertainment “news”?), Chow’s mother got so disgusted with scenes like this that she forced Fatt Chye to dump Idy.

Idy Chan married a businessman and gradually faded from the industry. That was 20 years ago. There were no reality TV, pinhole cameras and YouTube to tell us how our “idols” look without their makeup and how they behave when they think no one is watching. It’s virtually impossible to mesmerise the audience with that pure and virginal look anymore. Even the youngsters (no less 19-year-old army boys) know that computer animation may make the condor look more realistic, but Fann Wong is no Little Dragon Girl. Maybe that’s why Fann’s Little Dragon Girl is so forgettable. For those of us who watched the drama series in the 80s, the first and last 小龙女 is so memorable not just because Idy Chan played and suited the role so perfectly, it’s also because we missed her. The more we miss her, the more we erase her faults from our minds and the more perfect our hearts’ and minds’ 小龙女 becomes. But she’s making a comeback!

Today’s Idy Chan is almost 50 and will certainly qualify as many people’s “gu gu”. She has announced categorically that she will refuse sexually explicit plots. She would even reject “romantic” parts. But frankly, who cares? There’s no way she can play 小龙女 anymore. She’s coming in as a auntie. Can she make an impression as a special auntie that we’ll love to help carry her shopping bags. Ironically, shedding some clothes in front of the camera may help her this time round.

I don’t think her reappearance on the screen will remind any of us of the 小龙女 of the early 80s. Today’s teenage boy will probably just have a good laugh at the tacky props of yester-years if they ever get to watch the old drama.

And thank goodness it’s going to be my last time. I’m not going to touch on anything “classified” in this blog. That again, will come only after I’m safely out of Singapore. Instead, I would like to take this opportunity to salute (pun intended) all my self-employed NSmen for sacrificing so much for the country all these years.

Self-employed NSmen? Yes, they do exist and in this digital age where a lot of things can only be done online, there is actually an option for self-employed NSmen to make their claims for lost income. They have not forgotten those of us who have secretaries, personal assistants, accountants and sidekicks who can cover our duties when we’re not around. When most directors go on their incamp training, their companies continue to run. They can still communicate via cellular phone (those without cameras of course) when they need to make an important decision. What’s a couple of weeks to them? It’s almost like an overseas trip.

However, they seem to have forgotten another group of people - the sole proprietors who are virtually one-man companies. These folks face a dilemma when they go online to make their claims. Here are their options:

1. Income Tax Option
This is based on the Trade Income shown on the Notice of Assessment for the year of the ICT. The NSman choosing this option will make his claim based on the previous year’s assessment . Payment is made based on the previous year’s income. When the NA for that year is received, any over or under payment will be settled either by MINDEF or the NSman.
2. Average Income Option
You calculate your average NET income over the last 6 months prior to ICT. You need to submit profit and loss statements. It’s almost like getting ready to submit your income tax already.
3. Replacement Income Option
For doctors and drivers etc, they can claim for fees paid to engage a locum or replacement driver.

Everything sounds fair except for the NET income thing. Why? Let’s have a look at a simple case monthly collection, expenses and net income.

Average monthly collection: $30,000
Average monthly expenses: $20,000
Average monthly net income: $10,000

What happens if the above NSman goes for a 1 month ICT? He’ll get paid a net income of $10,000. Even a kid can tell you that it won’t cover the $20,000 expenses. In fact, the NSman is not only inconvenienced by being away from his work, he actually has to fork out $10,000 to pay for the expenses for the month.

Some time ago, I decided to test the system by opting for the average income. It wasn’t difficult calculating my average gross “income” for the last 6 months. I just totalled up everything I collected and submitted. The reply was expected. I had to show them my expenses and they would deduct my expenses and give me my NET income. But net income only makes sense if I’m able to generate a gross “income”. If not, paying me my average “net income” for the previous 6 months will not cover my losses if my expenses were higher than my net income as in the case above. Except that it took up more time and gave me more work, opting for the 6 months’ average income didn’t help me get a fair compensation for lost income.

Like me, other small business owners have struggled with that department. Arguing with them have been proven futile. Fortunately, most of us just kept quiet and their silence has made me feel rather ashamed at myself for my unwillingness to make the sacrifice for the country. Who asked me to be a self-employed guy with citizen liabilities? Why should I envy dependent pass holders who can operate sole proprietorships in Singapore without citizenship liabilities?

We Singaporeans get a few hundred bucks from the government every now and then. Everyone can just be an obedient salaryman and life could be so much simpler. No net income worries. No putting money into your Medisave account out of your own pocket. When you go for ICT, there’s always an unhappy colleague to cover for you. It’s amazing that some commanders have called upon our NSmen to regard their ICT as a holiday. I guess it’s the majority who are civil servants and obedient salarymen whom they were addressing.

I’ve always seen Singapore as a paradise for the obedient salaryman. Yet, our retention rate for expats’ children is the lowest in the world. Maybe it hasn’t dawned on those scratching their heads that not everyone wants to be an obedient salaryman. Many would leave their beloved Singapore to lead a more meaningful life.

Orchard Road has been unusually quiet for the past month or so, thanks to the global financial crisis. Nothing exciting in this part of the world except for Singaporeans getting charged for wearing kangaroo T-shirts and Australian journalists having their drug trafficking charges dropped. We all know how things work around here, so let’s not get ourselves into trouble by answering the “whys”.

At this very moment, I’m monitoring the US Presidential Elections online and something interesting is happening. In spite of pre-election polls showing Obama having a decisive lead over McCain, the election results show a close fight. I thought we’re going to see the whole map of American covered in blue, but at this moment, I see quite a bit of red patches around Kentucky, Georgia, South Carolina, Alabama …

More interesting results are revealed in the voter’s profile. The majority of men support McCain. The majority of women voters support Obama. Apparently, Sarah Palin didn’t do it for McCain. The Democrat’s portrayal of John McCain as a playboy who dumped his disfigured wife for a much younger woman yielded the expected results. The majority of younger voters support Obama (not surprising), but just as we go into the 30-44 group, a very significant majority of voters support McCain. Let’s not get into the “whys” here as well.

As it stands, Obama seems to have only a 1% margin of victory. It has been speculated that the electoral votes may work against him, but judging from the results, Obama has a far stronger lead in terms of electoral votes than percentage of total votes cast. It’ll probably be an Obama victory after all, but what is going to happen after the elections, knowing that the first Black president only has a very slim majority in terms of popular votes? Will we see daily demonstrations? Will we see a biased media continuing to sling mud at the president until he resigns?

Some economists have predicted that neither man will be able to turn the American economy around. A further downturn is imminent and Obama may be blamed for it if he assumes presidency at the wrong time. Well, someone still has to do the job. I hope Obama can just hang in there till the economic storm blows over.

“If I’m the lorry driver (delivering) goods to your house, and you ask me how come the (price for) a bag of rice has doubled, I can’t explain to you,”

Hellooo…. those of us who are yet to attain Nirvana all know that commodity prices have gone way up. Why do we even need to ask the lorry driver why the price of his rice has doubled when every lorry driver’s rice has doubled in price? But this lorry driver had better be prepared to answer some pointed questions if rice prices have come down and other lorry drivers selling the same quality of rice elsewhere to people with comparable buying power are charging 82% less.

OK, Mr Lorry Driver, we know that you’re investing billions in infrastructure. What’s wrong with the current infrastructure?

“Banking and pharmaceutical sectors also require high quality power grids with minimal voltage fluctuations”?

I don’t know if you have noticed it, Mr Lorry Driver, but there aren’t too many pharmaceutical products here that are made in Singapore. I sure hope the banking sector can do with an upgrade of power grids so that we can get our money from the ATMs 0.5 milliseconds faster.

What’s so unfair about getting government funding, Mr Lorry Driver? Because it’s the people money? So increasing tariffs won’t tax the people’s pockets? How absurd can these explanations get? Would we rather spend money that is already kept by the govt? Or would we rather leave our money with the govt and dig into our pockets for more? 10 billion less in the Budget is not better than 10 billion less from the people’s savings? 10 billion less “for the people” is not better than 10 billion more from the people’s pockets?

My final question or Mr Lorry Driver is this. Why don’t you buy yourself a ticket to Hongkong, see how the lorry drivers there manage to sell their rice 82% cheaper and try to implement the more cost-effective system here? Stop trying to be unique or creative if you’re just going to make the people suffer.