Yours Toothfully by Dr Chan Joon Yee

While walking down the street one day a ‘Member of Parliament’ is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’

‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.

‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’

‘Really? I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the MP.

‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the MP. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?’

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning …….. Today you voted.’

My father had never approved of me reading stories from the Three Kingdoms when I was young. But one one occasion, when I asked him to explain the meaning of 义, he quickly referred me to the episode of 千里走单骑 in Romance of the Three Kingdoms 三国演义.

When Guan Yu was surrounded by Cao Cao’s troops, he was persuaded to surrender. Guan Yu was at that time, escorting two of his brothers’ wives. He was not afraid to fight Cao Cao’s men to his last breath, but when he thought of the two sister-in-laws he was escorting, he reluctantly surrendered and was instantly treated like a VIP at Cao Cao’s residence. In spite of his surrender, Guan Yu refused to fight on Cao Cao’s side. The latter knew that there was no way he could recruit this loyal sworn brother of Liu Bei and decided to release him.

At the battle of Red Cliff 赤壁大战 when Cao Cao lost his entire navy, Guan Yu was sent to block Cao Cao’s escape when the latter was defeated by the combined forces of Shu and Wu. When Guan Yu intercepted Cao Cao, he freed him, knowing that he would face the death penalty if he didn’t manage to capture Cao Cao. Why would anyone be so “stupid”? But no. Many people idolise Guan Yu. They see him as a role model and respect people with the same exhibition of 义.

The whole concept of 义 revolves around repaying an enemy’s kindness and fighting shoulder to shoulder with one’s brother on the losing side at the expense of one’s life. What about 不义? That would be abandoning ship at the first sign of trouble, happily accepting all gains and rejecting all pains in a group effort.

I would like to believe that all cultures at least value if not practise the concept of 义. But I often find, to my surprise and disappointment, that 不义 is sometimes regarded as “only human” to some people. When someone in the family starts a new business, wouldn’t it be nice to take cover and come back when all the initial setbacks are cleared? Should it bother anyone that some table tennis player is already engaged? It’s perfectly human for her to dump her fiance and go for someone “better”? Sure, it’s none of our business, but I think we should still be aware whether such behaviour is 义 or 不义.

Sadly, we will see more and more of such things happening in modern society. But that’s not the saddest part. The saddest part is for people not to think that it’s wrong to do such things. Only human, they say.

Mercenaries aren’t always that bad, especially when your own family members are not very different, thinking that changing sides is perfectly acceptable as long as the pastures are greener. When times are good, they enjoy with you. When times are bad or when a stressful situation arises, they start blaming the key characters, demand to be protected from all risks and accept no responsibility for the downturn. Only human?

I almost choked on my chilli crab.

“We cannot continue to let other countries hijack our food. Chilli crab is Malaysian. Hainanese chicken rice is Malaysian. We have to lay claim to our food.” says Datuk Seri Dr Ng Yen Yen.

Alamak! Does it mean that I can’t go to a zer char stall and order chilli crab anymore? Sorry, Malaysian food. Cannot sell in Singapore. Want to eat must go to Malaysia. But the cook is Malaysian, isn’t he? Well, maybe he can cook chilli crab in Singapore as long as he is licenced by the Malaysian government. Or do we have to pay chilli crab royalty to the new Ministry of Malaysian Food every time we serve chilli crab? What’s going to happen to our laksa and nasi lemak. Royalty to the Malaysian government as well? Let’s not even think about what the Indians would say about our roti prata. But knowing Singaporeans, they’ll probably just pay up and eat up.

What the heck. Let’s just eat up and pay up as long as the royalty doesn’t cost as much as GST. But those who have a bit of time on their hands towards the long weekend may want to think about it a little. We can’t argue when it comes to which airline belongs to who. But a problem may arise if somebody claims that SIA’s uniform is not really “Singaporean”. The Indonesians may come to claim it. The Malaysians may come to claim it and eventually, SIA may need to pay royalty for their kebayas too.

You see, if you keep going in that direction, more and more issues are going to crop up. One of the most curious claims in Thailand is that curry noodles or khao soi, is actually a Burmese dish. Just take a look at the kiam chye (preserved vegetables) and the mee pok. The coconut milk based curry is decidedly Malay if you ask me.

So what is all this cultural theft and and gourmet hijacking all about? There are Burmese and Khmer temples in Thailand. Can the Burmese or Cambodians accuse the Thais of hijacking their culture if Thailand calls these Thai temples? Should all these “foreign” artifacts be destroyed like the Buddhas at Bamiyan so that we can all start off on a “clean” slate?

And what about food that have exotic names which are actually misnomers invented by creative chefs to fool their customers. Hongkong (Singaporean by birth) film-maker Cai Lan once wrote that Yangzhou fried rice was a dish created by a desperate Cantonese chef who wanted to treat his bored customers to something exotic. Apparently, not many people in Hongkong had been to Yangzhou back then, so nobody knew that the chef’s Yangzhou fried rice was really created without any inspiration from Yangzhou whatsoever. The chef’s trick was discovered when people went to Yangzhou and got strange stares when they ordered Yangzhou fried rice. If Dr Ng Yen Yen were running Yangzhou, I’m not sure how she would handle the matter. Would this be a case of Yangzhou hijacking Yangzhou fried rice from the Cantonese?

One thing’s for sure, she can no longer say: “We do not want the problem of these ‘little dragon ladies’ to escalate. These women are enticing local married men into having affairs with them and are causing family disharmony.”

Singapore is a land of immigrants. If every “parent” culture claims ownership of any part of what we regard as uniquely Singapore (a stupid slogan if you ask me), there is very little we can do to defend our “uniqueness”. Even our mee siam is Siamese noodles, but our PM has tried very hard to build our Singaporean identity around it.

Oh no! We’re in trouble. People reading the “alternative media” in Singapore are going to go away with the impression that Singapore is the worst Third World country around, with an inefficient and corrupt government, and the whole place is a mess.

Oh no! What is going to happen to our IR? What is going to happen to our foreign investments? What is going to happen to our medical tourism? What is going to happen to our F1? The Ah Peks at our local kopitiams are not going to have any female company. Chinese chess is going to become popular again. And Geylang may be the only place that will do well with all that anticipation of good deals from desperate local girls.

Of course, all but the most paranoid people will not foresee these horrible things happening anytime soon. I can’t speak for all the blogs and bloggers out there, but I don’t think our leaders need to be so worried about foreigners getting coins ready to give out to our kids on the streets when they touch our shores. Many of these foreigners have probably said worse things in their blogs about their First World countries of origin.

Without the large population base and the lack of sponsor fear in places like Malaysia, our alternative media cannot afford to hire fulltime journalists to keep people updated with the latest breaking news. People here have no choice but to refer to the newsPAPers for the latest updates on the local scene. People may not be interested in knowing when the elections are due, but they certainly wish to know if they would live to enjoy their CPF. And these things are not featured in our alternative media for reasons already mentioned.

But what if Minister YYY plants a tree, opens a park and then tells people the importance of racial harmony, regulating the press, supporting the government…? Will readers read that article from the first word to the last? I certainly wouldn’t and I think I speak for many if not most thinking and unthinking Singaporeans out there. Then what about all the glitches, blunders and other “honest mistakes”? Are readers satisfied by the explanations? Where do we turn to when we aren’t satisfied?

And that’s perhaps the primary role of the alternative media here. What’s the point in conducting a survey to show that you have more readers? It’s insulting to our intelligence when we already know what role the mainstream media and the alternative media play. Until we have a level playing field where the alternative media can provide breaking news and gets invited to press conferences, it’s really quite silly for the mainstream media to boast about its higher readership. It’s like a hospital boasting that it’s seeing more patients than a small private clinic.

What if an old lady who collects cardboard boxes owns a 3-room flat and has 5 children? Is there nothing wrong if she has all that and chooses to live on the streets? Do we judge if someone is OK simply by looking at his house, his car or his bank account?

I’m not a cruel person, but during my students days when I was marked and tormented by cruel lecturers, I sometimes would dream of nasty things happening to them - like their wives finding out about their affairs. And if their wives found out about their affairs and decided to set them on fire, I would probably just be asking who is taking over.

Wait a minute. Would I have been beaten up by my classmates if I didn’t show any concern or sympathy for the lecturer who was always giving me trouble? Not a chance. Is this a natural reaction? Or is it like some people say, a lack of “self-regulation”. Maybe it is. Maybe we should alert the police to arrest anyone who cheers when an MP is attacked or boos when Li Jiawei appears on TV. Well, if we don’t “self-regulate”, someone is going to regulate us. I’m so afraid.