Yours Toothfully by Dr Chan Joon Yee

The mile high club (or MHC) is a slang term applied collectively to individuals who have engaged in sexual intercourse while on board an aircraft in flight.

The Mile Hi Club is a book (ISBN 978-981-08-2454-9) by former air stewardess Janet Chew. The blurb says that it’s an insight to the glamorous and adult world of a real stewardess - a comprehensive collection of humorous anecdotes, scandals and love stories 35,000 feet in the air.

The book starts at the beginning. Lured by the prospect of lunch in Tokyo, dinner in Paris, our protagonist decides to drop out of NUS (a loss to the Biz Ad guys) and try her luck with a world class airline. She gets the job, her old man objects at first, finally relented, giving her one year before she must return to her books.

The story takes off from there and credit must be given to the author for going into such detail with high altitude sex, shopping and meal service. 5 years pass, her father forgets her promise, she renews her contract and before she knows it, she’s been with the airline for 13 years.

“4 months!” of training. Why the exclamation mark? And the “limiting dress code” - tee-jeans and strappy dresses were not allowed. Curiously, Janet complains about the training and sounds like a pampered little girl who didn’t know the meaning of training. While training, she meets a soon to be promoted steward Guo Ren and learns to smoke. On weekends, she would go clubbing. In between classes, she would chill out on the veranda with fellow trainees. No wonder she has trouble remembering the things taught in class. Imagine what would happen if Janet has to pass exams in NUS.

Janet is ready to fly and she gives us a juicy insider’s view of the cabin. Newbies being bullied, backstabbing by colleagues, gouchy leaders, cocky pilots, unfair policies, skivving, MC queens, thieves, smugglers etc. Nothing unique here, but I managed to learn a few things about scheduling.

Next on the target board are passengers. The anecdotes in these chapters strike a familiar chord with me as many of the unreasonable passengers remind me of alamak patients. She seems to dislike Singaporeans - for good reason as they are often the most demanding and most likely to complain. Janet’s also tells us about Indian passengers who don’t want any drinks until they see someone else gets his. Then, Indian passenger B will ask for it. After B gets his drink, C will ask for it … I’ve seen this interesting chain reaction with my own eyes on a flight to Dhaka.

Janet talks a lot about washing toilets and how she once helped a disabled passenger who has dirtied himself in the toilet to clean up and get some new pants. There are MC queens who try to escape unpopular flights, but there are also those who refuse to report sick even when they are sick. Even with MCs lasting only 2 days, many crew members are working long before they have recovered from flu or other ailments. Air crew sometimes have to resuscitate unconscious patients, only to get stomach contents thrown all over them. On a full flight, dead bodies have to be stored in the crew’s bunk. In these chapters and throughout the book, Janet maintains a certain level of pride and self-respect. She tries very hard to portray the air stewardess as a well-trained professional who deserves some respect from passengers.

Sex on the plane? Janet has no problems with passengers engaging in oral sex under the blanket. However, when a passenger exits from the toilet followed by a stewardess, Janet makes sure that she never flies again. That’s how principled and professional she portrays herself to be.

Janet also tells us things that take place in the hotels where they stayed. There are quite a lot of juicy bits, but my favourite are the ghost stories. The man whose wife’s ghost walks to the galley to order a drink for him. She was on the flight, but in a wooden box in the cargo compartment! That’s a good one. Of course, more unexplained encounters occur in hotel rooms. Janet could have made the stories a bit more interesting with a few subplots and a little creative additions. Janet is either trying to be factual or just isn’t very good at spinning fictional yarns.

Scandals occur in every field and sector. I was expecting bizarre and convoluted plots from such happening people. Suffice to say that the juicy reports on adulterers and two-timers are too predictable and fail to impress. I’ve heard better tales from my pilot friends. Janet breaks up with senior steward Guo Ren and falls in love with a handsome, smooth-talking guy with a stable of fast cars she met in the pub. This doesn’t seem consistent with the street wise, principled and professional woman Janet tries to portray herself throughout the book. He turns out to be a two-timer. Are we surprised? Not when affairs with married karang guni men and abandoning babies in Phuket have made it to the headlines before.

There’s a happy ending to it. Janet meets the man of her dreams on board a flight. He slips her his card, she emails to him, they date, they get married and she quits flying after 13 years. The final chapter is a Q&A thingie with a lot of lame questions from clueless little boys/girls.

It’s overall quite a good read. Janet’s style is rather hip, with lots of Chinese and Singlish expressions. No prizes for guessing which airline she flew with. Janet succeeds very well in her attempt to entertain. It’s not difficult to read the book from cover to cover on a flight from Singapore to Hongkong. As far as changing our perceptions about air crew goes, I’m afraid Janet has failed. We all acknowledge that not every air stewardess is a materialistic SPG but the way she writes her memoirs tell us that there’s certainly a higher tendency for developing such traits and many other bad habits in this line.