Abandonment
When in school, we used to play a trick on an unpopular classmate of ours who was always tagging along wherever we went. Whenever that unpopular guy saw a group of us leaving the classroom together, he would follow us. We had no choice but to go the beach, go swimming at the pool or go to the movies with him tagging along. We didn’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him that we didn’t welcome him, but being the mischievous boys we once were, we decided to break it to him loud and clear.
One fine day, the whole group of us pretended that we were going somewhere. When we saw him coming, we would whisper the magic word to one another and when he approached and asked us where we were going, we would all shout: “I’m going home” and dispersed in a most dramatic fashion. Interestingly, we had to do it twice before he got our message. Luckily, he didn’t kill himself.
It should be noted, however, that not everyone can take this sort of insult. Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorder (BPD) can be extremely sensitive to perceptions of abandonment. Here’s something from the experts.
“The perception of impending separation or rejection, or the loss of external structure, can lead to profound changes in self-image, affect, cognition, and behaviour. These individuals are very sensitive to environmental circumstances. They experience intense abandonment fears and inappropriate anger even when faced with a realistic time-limited separation or when there are unavoidable changes in plans (e.g. panic or fury when someone important to them is just a few minutes late or must cancel an appointment). They may believe that this “abandonment” implies they are “bad.” These abandonment fears are related to an intolerance of being alone and a need to have other people with them. Their frantic efforts to avoid abandonment may include impulsive actions such as self-mutilating or suicidal behaviors…”
BPD may not be as horrifying as what we saw in Fatal Attraction even though unbridled rage is a common feature of this disorder. Abandonment is not such an issue when people with BPD are left with dining and shopping companions. They just cannot tolerate being alone. Thus, when a BPD is busy having a good time with friends, he/she will not be too keen to get calls from loved ones. However, when the BPD is home alone and gets no calls from his/her loved ones, the BPD will get angry and accuse his/her loved ones of abandoning him/her. Ironically, the more the BPD gets angry, insulting and abusive, the more he/she discourages the other party to make or take the calls. The BPD somehow doesn’t seem to realise that being nasty and abusive will further jeopardise his/her status. When they are nasty and abusive, they blame the whole world for abandoning them. It somehow just doesn’t get to them that they are to be blamed.Most incomprehensible, is the BPD who gets enraged with abandonment when he/she is the one who went away.
