Yours Toothfully by Dr Chan Joon Yee

Translations/interpretations:

Friendliness is conducive to business success.; Amiability attracts riches.; An even temper brings wealth.; Good-naturedness is a source of wealth; Harmony brings wealth.; Peace breeds wealth.

A even temper brings wealth. This is my favourite. It doesn’t matter if some ignorant, impulsive, impatient and bad tempered brats don’t believe in it. The key to business success is not really “smartness” but good and bold strategy, hardwork, discipline, patience and an even temper. These beliefs are part and parcel of Chinese culture, especially during Chinese New Year.

During this festive season, there is plenty of buying and selling, cleaning and renewing. Demand for goodies like seafood, meat, vegetables go up. Prices follow suit. Schedules may get disrupted as people postpone major undertakings to after the new year. Along with all that, comes a bit of stress. But the party is about to start. We cast our worries aside, put on our finest attire and behaviour and greet the new year with a big smile.

When I was a kid, I was often admonished not to speak of anything negative during Chinese New Year. It doesn’t mean that we bury our heads in the sand. It simply means that we don’t spoil the festive mood which we remembered so well as kids. And I really enjoyed my Chinese New Year back then. All the sweets and good food. Catching up with relatives and friends. And of course, those red packets.

When I was a swinging single, I’ve called home from Thailand, Myanmar, India, Nepal and various other exotic destinations during Chinese New Year. Many people couldn’t understand why I would want to do something like that. Have I forgotten all the fun I had as a child? I guess like many other singles whose marriage was long overdue, I packed up and flew off to escape the irritating “so when are you getting married?” from my elders.

With my own family and kids now, Chinese New Year ought to be a lot more meaningful than before. Many people can’t understand why I still want to escape. Because one hand can never clap. I’m the only real Chinese at home who understands that Chinese New Year is not just about hanging red decorations. It’s not just about eating pineapple tarts, prawn rolls, love letters and kueh bangkit. It’s also about visiting, mingling, forgiving, forgetting and looking beyond the minor disputes and irritations around us.

Ironically, it is during this period that people who are either unfamiliar with the culture or who were not properly brought up would take the opportunity of reunion to rake up the past, reopen old wounds and pick fights. What is the point of hanging joyous couplets, keeping the brooms locked up or even praying to the god of fortune? To me, those are just superstitions. What really helps us prosper is to make peace with as many people who matter as possible, so we can focus on business and not fighting and grumbling.

There is no way I can impart values of even temper, tolerance, making do with less, patience and harmony when negative demonstrations fill the house. Year after year, there has been no exception. If anything, I have more reason to escape Chinese New Year now than ever before.

Happy New Year, everybody. Signing off until I come home from my trip.

One of Confucius’ students was arguing with a stranger.

“There are 4 seasons in a year.” said Confucius’ student.

“No, there are 3 seasons in a year.” the stranger argued.

“I’m very sure you are wrong.” said Confucius’ student proudly.

“I’m sure you’re wrong too.” insisted the stranger with equal pride. “Why not ask your teacher to decide who is right?”

“Great.” said the student confidently. “Whoever is wrong must kowtow to the winner.”

The stranger agreed. Just then, Confucius appeared. The student eagerly went up and asked his master to tell the stranger how many seasons there are in a year.

“3 seasons.” said Confucius.

The student was shocked. The stranger laughed as the student kowtowed to him.

After the stranger left, the bewildered student pressed his teacher for an explanation.

“Do you realise that you were arguing with a grasshopper?” asked Confucius. Grasshoppers don’t live past autumn. It would be impossible for us to convince them that there are 4 seasons in a year. Why waste your energy arguing with such people?”

The world is full of grasshoppers. Every day, salespeople smile and declare that there are 3 seasons in a year in order to close deals with grasshoppers. Those working under grasshoppers not only have to say there are 3 seasons in a year, they may even have to hop around and wear green. Not being able to do that, I not only went into private practice, I wasted no time in starting my own practice. This is the courage that people who call others grasshoppers should have. If you think your boss is a grasshopper who is not treating you fairly, go ahead, set up your own business. I believe many people have done that, only to to find out that the grasshopper is the one in the mirror.

How do I explain to the de facto grasshopper CFO that I need to install fibre optic handpieces to do my molar endodontics properly? How do I explain that I need an OPG xray machine to do my implants properly and to impress patients enough to let me do their implants? How do I explain that sitting $60,000 in an outmoded practice is myopic?

Grasshoppers can also appear in the form of kids (real kids or kids in adult bodies), spouses or even parents. This is where it gets tricky. Unlike customers and superiors whom you only deal with only once or just once in a while, the grasshoppers that you live with are not so easy to deal with. Agreeing with their 3-season theory can be tiring and nerve-wrecking.

Imagine you’re flying a plane and someone who hasn’t had her hands on her controls before throwing tantrums when you don’t swing the controls her way. How does one handle such grasshoppers? No use turning to Confucius. The great sage has warned against such difficulties more than 2,000 years ago.

My father had never approved of me reading stories from the Three Kingdoms when I was young. But one one occasion, when I asked him to explain the meaning of 义, he quickly referred me to the episode of 千里走单骑 in Romance of the Three Kingdoms 三国演义.

When Guan Yu was surrounded by Cao Cao’s troops, he was persuaded to surrender. Guan Yu was at that time, escorting two of his brothers’ wives. He was not afraid to fight Cao Cao’s men to his last breath, but when he thought of the two sister-in-laws he was escorting, he reluctantly surrendered and was instantly treated like a VIP at Cao Cao’s residence. In spite of his surrender, Guan Yu refused to fight on Cao Cao’s side. The latter knew that there was no way he could recruit this loyal sworn brother of Liu Bei and decided to release him.

At the battle of Red Cliff 赤壁大战 when Cao Cao lost his entire navy, Guan Yu was sent to block Cao Cao’s escape when the latter was defeated by the combined forces of Shu and Wu. When Guan Yu intercepted Cao Cao, he freed him, knowing that he would face the death penalty if he didn’t manage to capture Cao Cao. Why would anyone be so “stupid”? But no. Many people idolise Guan Yu. They see him as a role model and respect people with the same exhibition of 义.

The whole concept of 义 revolves around repaying an enemy’s kindness and fighting shoulder to shoulder with one’s brother on the losing side at the expense of one’s life. What about 不义? That would be abandoning ship at the first sign of trouble, happily accepting all gains and rejecting all pains in a group effort.

I would like to believe that all cultures at least value if not practise the concept of 义. But I often find, to my surprise and disappointment, that 不义 is sometimes regarded as “only human” to some people. When someone in the family starts a new business, wouldn’t it be nice to take cover and come back when all the initial setbacks are cleared? Should it bother anyone that some table tennis player is already engaged? It’s perfectly human for her to dump her fiance and go for someone “better”? Sure, it’s none of our business, but I think we should still be aware whether such behaviour is 义 or 不义.

Sadly, we will see more and more of such things happening in modern society. But that’s not the saddest part. The saddest part is for people not to think that it’s wrong to do such things. Only human, they say.

Mercenaries aren’t always that bad, especially when your own family members are not very different, thinking that changing sides is perfectly acceptable as long as the pastures are greener. When times are good, they enjoy with you. When times are bad or when a stressful situation arises, they start blaming the key characters, demand to be protected from all risks and accept no responsibility for the downturn. Only human?

When in school, we used to play a trick on an unpopular classmate of ours who was always tagging along wherever we went. Whenever that unpopular guy saw a group of us leaving the classroom together, he would follow us. We had no choice but to go the beach, go swimming at the pool or go to the movies with him tagging along. We didn’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him that we didn’t welcome him, but being the mischievous boys we once were, we decided to break it to him loud and clear.

One fine day, the whole group of us pretended that we were going somewhere. When we saw him coming, we would whisper the magic word to one another and when he approached and asked us where we were going, we would all shout: “I’m going home” and dispersed in a most dramatic fashion. Interestingly, we had to do it twice before he got our message. Luckily, he didn’t kill himself.

It should be noted, however, that not everyone can take this sort of insult. Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorder (BPD) can be extremely sensitive to perceptions of abandonment. Here’s something from the experts.

“The perception of impending separation or rejection, or the loss of external structure, can lead to profound changes in self-image, affect, cognition, and behaviour. These individuals are very sensitive to environmental circumstances. They experience intense abandonment fears and inappropriate anger even when faced with a realistic time-limited separation or when there are unavoidable changes in plans (e.g. panic or fury when someone important to them is just a few minutes late or must cancel an appointment). They may believe that this “abandonment” implies they are “bad.” These abandonment fears are related to an intolerance of being alone and a need to have other people with them. Their frantic efforts to avoid abandonment may include impulsive actions such as self-mutilating or suicidal behaviors…”

BPD may not be as horrifying as what we saw in Fatal Attraction even though unbridled rage is a common feature of this disorder. Abandonment is not such an issue when people with BPD are left with dining and shopping companions. They just cannot tolerate being alone. Thus, when a BPD is busy having a good time with friends, he/she will not be too keen to get calls from loved ones. However, when the BPD is home alone and gets no calls from his/her loved ones, the BPD will get angry and accuse his/her loved ones of abandoning him/her. Ironically, the more the BPD gets angry, insulting and abusive, the more he/she discourages the other party to make or take the calls. The BPD somehow doesn’t seem to realise that being nasty and abusive will further jeopardise his/her status. When they are nasty and abusive, they blame the whole world for abandoning them. It somehow just doesn’t get to them that they are to be blamed.Most incomprehensible, is the BPD who gets enraged with abandonment when he/she is the one who went away.