Yours Toothfully by Dr Chan Joon Yee

OK, so now we know that Tiger Woods is as champion with golf as he is with womanising. We’re certainly going to see a lot of finger-pointing, condemnation and jokes related to this latest discovery. A star he is, but Tiger Woods doesn’t control the media like some governments. He’s certainly going to get a hard time from the public - especially from the wronged women and envious men.

Of course, stories like Woods’ are hardly new. Some years ago, Chinese superstar Jackie Chan was embroiled in a scandal involving an illegitimate child. A blow from this guy would send a man crashing through doors and walls, but the public, far from his lethal blows, were giving the kungfu superstar more pointed accusations that he could deflect. It doesn’t matter how big or how deft you are. Public opinion reduced poor Jackie from superhero to gutter rat in cyberspace.

The excuse for all this condemnation, especially within conservative Asian societies, is that these folks are supposed to be role models. Our children learn from them, drink the same brand of green tea they drink, use the same brand of shampoo they use, so we must also keep minor wives or sleep with someone else’s husband if they do.

In the Land of Sheltered Walkways, exposure to any form of bad influence is not acceptable. Hence, if a role model ever does something immoral in the eyes of the righteous public to whom similar temptations are totally out of reach, he/she must be brought down. It’s already so unfair that these folks get so many temptations. How dare they succumb? Fortunately Jackie Chan doesn’t depend on Singaporeans to earn a living.

It’s not difficult to see that being a role model can be very tiring. You’re not perfect like everybody else, but you not only have to put on your best behaviour whenever you go public, you’ve got to make sure that anything unpleasant or sinful that you do in private doesn’t get exposed either. You can’t control the exposure. You don’t own all the newsPAPers.

It’s quite understandable that Hongkongers, Taiwanese and even Americans who voted for Bill Clinton are against adultery. Singapore has higher moral standards. Beauty queens are not supposed to steal things, speak bad English and have breast “enhancement”. Wait a minute. I understand the need to make sense and be honest. I may even agree with the no “naughty” photos rule. But no boob job?

It’s deception, they say. Those who “cheat” viewers into paying 20 cents to vote for them with their phones, cheat judges into giving them good points and cheat dirty old men into drooling over their artificially enhanced mammaries are dishonest and must be stripped of their crowns. Future beauty queens must all be examined for surgical scars and xrayed for butt and breasts implants.

Picture of Rachel Kum taken from the New Paper

yao mo gao chor ah? Are they going to xray contestants for dental implants as well? For dentists, dentures, crowns, bridges etc are all supposed to look like real teeth. Does that make me an accomplice to all this “cheating” if I make a replacement for a missing tooth that looks real and helps the contestant win the title of beauty queen? Or must the contestant go on stage with her missing tooth/teeth just to be “fair” to people who can’t win even with a full set of teeth?

You spent the whole night gambling with friends. Your wife asks you where you’ve been. You’re afraid she’ll find out about your gambling. What do you tell her? That you spent the night at a coffeeshop at Geylang?

Goodness. If Ris Low is bimbotic, then her apologists who tried to explain her widely publicised interview as an episode of bipolar disorder must be totally braindead. Every idiot knows that if your English is not up to standard, you can go for remedial classes (if you’re studying still) and make more ang moh boy … I mean… friends to improve yourself.

To claim that you can actually speak “perfect English” at another time and place and to explain that embarrassing episode as an attack of bipolar disorder is downright foolish. Do these folks know what that means? Bipolar disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis.

Bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression) causes serious shifts in mood, energy, thinking, and behavior–from the highs of mania on one extreme, to the lows of depression on the other. More than just a fleeting good or bad mood, the cycles of bipolar disorder last for days, weeks, or months. And unlike ordinary mood swings, the mood changes of bipolar disorder are so intense that they interfere with your ability to function.

During a manic episode, a person might impulsively quit a job, charge up huge amounts on credit cards, or feel rested after sleeping two hours. During a depressive episode, the same person might be too tired to get out of bed and full of self-loathing and hopelessness over being unemployed and in debt.

I guess it would be all right to claim mental illness if you’ve killed someone, but claiming mental illness for stealing credit cards and performing poorly at an interview? Hasn’t there been enough stupidity surrounding this saga? Please! Miss Ris Low has suffered enough from all that bad publicity (though I think she hadn’t been adequately punished for lingerie shopping with patients’ credit cards). These equally bimbotic supporters shouldn’t try to “help” her by sticking that bipolar disorder label on her.

Step aside, Mark Lee, we have a potential comedian waiting in the wings. More laughs to come when our TV station signs her up.