Yours Toothfully by Dr Chan Joon Yee

Oh no! Something is wrong with me.

I’m always out there seeking relatively healthy adventure, thrills, fun, excitement, whatever. I have a “hot passion” for mountains and spectacular landscapes. I love climbing mountains, trekking in exotic terrain blooming with strange fruits and flowers, colourful culture and people. How does one explain the fact that I take calculated risks, endure extreme cold and exhaustion, yet feel great when I escape the wrath of the mountain gods? I must be suffering from bipolar disorder.

That’s according to “Dr Ris Low”. She found stealing credit cards fun because of her bipolar disorder. She was given a chance to explain herself in an exclusive interview. Her English still sucks. ANNDD, I think that her credit card theft has more to do with plain dishonesty than bipolar disorder. Why would I need be stricken with bipolar disorder to enjoy spending other people’s money? What’s wrong with saying that it’s fun? Of course it is fun. Why bother to deny it. I would find it fun …. BUT I would certainly need to be quite stupid to ever try stealing credit cards and expect not to get caught or face a smashing truckload of negative karma.

Gosh, what is unhappening Singapore going to do without Ris Low? The judges don’t deserve to be shot. Instead, I think they should be applauded for allowing Ms Low to be herself, thus bringing to our screens, a long, highly entertaining saga never seen in the history of the pageant. How can we not thank the judges for such a “spin-off”, albeit an unintentional one?

In her last public statement, Miss Low tells us that she’s going to open a cake shop and hire ex-convicts. OK, that has to be one the least tickling of things she said. I hope she chooses her employees well. Maybe she will as she probably knows all the tricks already.

Oh no! I had a drop too much of Knock Out Beer and I’m dreaming again. I bought a horse in Australia (the girl is part of the package). I wanted to keep it as a pet. Then I found out that it was used for racing (the girl was the jockey). So I sold the horse …

Yao mo gao chor ah?

If I find out that a horse has been used for racing, then all the more I should keep it in my own stable, my own ranch (with a decent room for the girl) and not sell it. But then, this was just a dream and dreams don’t have to make cents … I mean sense.

And I also dreamt that I spent millions upon millions of other people’s money to build a titanium building. Then angry mob came to tear down the building, melted down the titanium and the expensive metal was turned into thousands of dental implants for edentulous patients who would otherwise not be able to afford it.

More Knock Out Beer. And another dream. This time, I dreamt I was CEO designate for some company running a sovereign wealth fund. I panicked. I didn’t know anything about managing SWFs. The job was killing me. I was losing billions and people were staring, pointing fingers at me. I had to find a replacement, a scapegoat if you will.

I found him. But the guy was too smart to be a scapegoat. He soon realised that like Obama, he’ll be inheriting a disaster in the making. He quits over “strategic differences”. Whatever that means. It’s just a dream. I’d better go back to work and stop horsing around.

First of all, we let our top terror suspect run away from a high security detention centre. The amazing Mas Selamat (see picture of him suppressing laughter) not only managed to evade arrest in spite of the entire police force including hounds set after him, he actually swam across the Straits of Johor laughing at the cursing truck drivers held up at the Causeway.

With our borders effectively sealed (so we were told) the authorities assured us that the man was still in Singapore and would soon be caught. As the printing presses kept rolling out Mas Selamat’s pictures which were being pasted at bus stops and other public places, our clever fugitive was enjoying a cool coconut drink in a picturesque village of Tawakal, Johor. Then, our internal security guys gave a credible tip to the Malaysian authorities which led to his capture.

Shall we give them an award for the “credible tip”? Why didn’t we give that “credible trip” a bit earlier and stop spending all that public money printing Mas Selamat posters? Or we could have printed those posters in Malaysia and distributed them in Johor. Then, the unsuspecting villagers of Kampung Tawakal would not have unwittingly harboured a terrorist suspect. Well, all that is history and our artful fugitive is once again behind bars - Malaysian bars this time.

Meanwhile, our leaders tell us to remain vigilant. They must think that we are celebrating. Mas Selamat …. no, terrorism is like a virus (you bet he is). Blah … blah … blah … Yes, we know. We totally agree and we are not celebrating, but let’s get back to the table and talk about the people who failed us and should be held accountable. What about the two glaring and embarrassing failures here?

1. Mas Selamat’s escape from the detention centre due to security lapses.
2. Mas Selamat’s escape from Singapore by swimming across to Johor, bypassing the traffic jam on the Causeway. I wonder why he didn’t die laughing.

All of a sudden, the Straits of Johor is labelled as “narrow”. Let’s see our DPM demonstrate how narrow it is by swimming across. Then, our coast guard patrols, equipped with high tech night vision goggles, infrared trip sensors, find it impossible to protect against territorial incursions or excursions on improvised flotation devices. Perhaps they can only spot aircraft carriers but not coconut dinghies. Sure, we are so high tech. How can we even think that anyone in this day and age would resort to coconut dinghies?