Yours Toothfully by Dr Chan Joon Yee

While walking down the street one day a ‘Member of Parliament’ is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’

‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.

‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’

‘Really? I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the MP.

‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the MP. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?’

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning …….. Today you voted.’

The word CHANGE worked wonders for President Obama. It would only be wise for others to follow, but when the followers have very different ideas about change in mind, the results can be funny.

“CHANGE is in the air for Singapore’s political system,” reports a local a newsPAPer.  ”But change must be tethered to fundamental principles — three, according to Senior Minister Goh Chok Tong.”

First, they must be fair to all contesting parties and “not be biased in favour of one party or the other”, said Mr Goh, ahead of details to be announced this week by the Prime Minister.

Oh, of course. We certainly wouldn’t want any changes resulting in one party controlling all the newsPAPers, the TV and radio stations. I can’t imagine what would happen if our newsPAPers become a mouthpiece for Dr Chee Soon Juan. How come this first fundamental principle sounds funny even without any input from Mr Brown?

Second, they must result in a strong, effective Government. “We do not want a system which ends up with a weak, hung Parliament. And then you have a coalition Parliament that is politically unstable for Singapore.”

Huh? Level the playing field, but we must still win all? Why can’t a coalition government be stable? Because the strong government says so?

And third, these changes must “facilitate representation for diverse views in Parliament, including views of the Opposition parties”.

But such facilitation to previously disadvantaged opposition parties may well result in a “mixed” parliament and a government that is not as “strong” as it wants to be. How should this apparent contradiction be resolved? I’m sure SM Goh and the folks with him have their plans in place. I’m just not so sure if CHANGE has any real meaning when all is said and done. Imagine saying such things to the American people in President Obama’s shoes. Why not copy all the way and promise some change we can believe?

At the Osstem (dental implants) Meeting last Sunday, I felt somewhat uneasy when I went back into the function room after the break only to find my seat taken and friends who were seated next to me before the break scattered all over the place. I had to sit with strangers and only managed to regroup with my pals so I could sit comfortably for the rest of the meeting after the next break.

Imagine how Mr JB Jeyaratnam must have felt, sitting in a room full of powerful people who saw him as a thorn in the flesh when his first broke his way into Parliament in 1981, becoming Singapore’s first opposition MP after independence. I was still in JC back then. In the course of his battle against one-party rule, JBJ found himself in and out of court. The change in the law with regards to the Privy Council opened my then innocent eyes to the realities of Singapore politics. There is no way you can score a goal when the goalposts keep moving in your opponent’s favour.

Few dared to join JBJ in his fight for democracy in Singapore. In fact, several promising rebels have already joined the establishment, making a sharp U-turn from their initial cause. With Mr JBJ laid to rest on 30th September 2008, Singapore has lost a very important figure. Blogs and Facebook groups pay glowing tribute to this unbeatable man. But like the person who weeps buckets of tears at his mother’s funeral, regretting not having spent more time with her when she was alive, why didn’t Mr JBJ have as many supporters when he was alive and working towards his goal? What’s the point of telling us what a great and admirable man he was when nobody bought his books and other publications when he was peddling them outside Centrepoint? Some people even pretended that he was invisible. Those who were curious would look around to see if they are being watched interacting with a marked man.

Why was everyone was afraid of being associated with him even though they were disgusted with the things done to him? Are we living in fear, cowardice, ignorance or apathy? Were they afraid that they may get in the way of the crushing blows that were dealt on Mr JBJ time and again. Disgusted or not, they probably don’t want to risk getting crushed. Sad, but not a big deal. Singapore needs lots of hardworking and obedient people. Good ideas can be imported from overseas.

But if these are the comrades that are called upon to fight shoulder to shoulder with me in times of trouble, I would be quite certain that they won’t even sacrifice an upgrading project for what they believe in. Mr JBJ has been proven to be someone who will sacrifice everything for what he believed in. He doesn’t need to hold a rifle to deserve a bravery award. I think he has done the nation a great but unappreciated service. No successor is in sight. Singapore will never be the same again.

I can’t stand leaders who keep calling suicide bombers cowards. Let’s put them in a room full of these “cowards” and see who is frightened. We can say that these bombers are mad. We can even say that they are evil, but we can’t call them cowards for dying for their deviant beliefs. For all his lofty ideals beyond alamak comprehension, Mr JBJ was a hero in every right.

The people we have recruited to “fight” for us come in the form of Olympic champions/heroes like Li Jiawei. Have you heard that she’s going to wed a Chinese businessman based in Beijing? have you also heard that she is going back to school to get a degree. Wow! Aren’t the students at NTU and NUS going to be happy. But wait a minute. It has been reported that Jiawei is going to enrol in a university in Beijing. I guess she’s probably going to do a course in English so she may communicate better with fellow Singaporeans. Perhaps they also offer courses on Singapore history in Beijing. Keep cheering, Singapore.

It’s grey skies ahead, we’ve been warned. But then, we’ve also been reassured that “There’s no risk and no reason whatsoever to have a run on our banks.” Wow, I wouldn’t even dare to declare zero risk for the simplest extraction. Obviously, you need to be more than honest to be a minister. Both statements made by our Finance Minister are probably true, but the simultaneous warning and reassurance seem to suggest that our (meaning those of us who are not top civil servants) incomes are going to go down and we should have absolute trust in the system which is always working to ensure our security as we celebrate our prudently untouched budget surplus by contributing more to the companies that give us public transport, telephone lines and electricity.

A sub-prime crisis in Singapore is the last thing we Singaporeans need to worry about. A finance company I contacted recently wanted a mountain of documents to show my credit worthiness for taking a lease on a new xray machine. No, I’m not complaining. I’m sure our banks are well-regulated and doing all this for our own good. The thing that is not so well-regulated, are the young and friendly people who keep pestering us to take up some investment scheme with their banks. You see them everywhere. The MRT stations, shopping malls, toilets … and they target almost anyone. You need to join a long queue to manage your bank account. But if you want the bank to invest your money, you can jump to the sweetest and prettiest officer with a money-growing plan that will make your eyes pop out.

Recently, these boys and girls seem to be working extra hard. That’s after many folks who have trusted them have lost their life savings and they need more suckers. Should we round up the youngsters and send them to do charity work at old folks’ homes? But they didn’t do anything wrong, did they? After all, the risks have all been spelled out in the fine print. Remember our Finance Minister didn’t say anything about the money you invest with the banks’ money-growing plans being risk free.