Yours Toothfully by Dr Chan Joon Yee

I saw this coming. Ris Low is not going to hide her face in shame. She is now facing everyone with the real Ris Low that goes f*** and knnbccb… I must admit I nearly fell out of my dentist’s stool when I heard that. But Ris Low’s marketing strategy is not surprising these days. What happens when you can’t win due to some weaknesses? Well, you capitalise on those weaknesses and become an instant hit with folks who are simply too bored with everything prim and proper.

Boomz T-shirts are flying off the shelves and very soon, we’ll have Shingz T-shirts. I’m wondering if Boomz is now copyrighted. If not, I’m going to come out with a Black Boomz Bra that is going to wake the dead when worn to a funeral.

Who knows? I may make a fortune on this and won’t have to look inside people’s mouths anymore. But the one with the biggest last laugh has to be Ris Low herself. I can’t imagine her respectable replacement in the pageant becoming half as famous or earning half as much.

Oh no! Something is wrong with me.

I’m always out there seeking relatively healthy adventure, thrills, fun, excitement, whatever. I have a “hot passion” for mountains and spectacular landscapes. I love climbing mountains, trekking in exotic terrain blooming with strange fruits and flowers, colourful culture and people. How does one explain the fact that I take calculated risks, endure extreme cold and exhaustion, yet feel great when I escape the wrath of the mountain gods? I must be suffering from bipolar disorder.

That’s according to “Dr Ris Low”. She found stealing credit cards fun because of her bipolar disorder. She was given a chance to explain herself in an exclusive interview. Her English still sucks. ANNDD, I think that her credit card theft has more to do with plain dishonesty than bipolar disorder. Why would I need be stricken with bipolar disorder to enjoy spending other people’s money? What’s wrong with saying that it’s fun? Of course it is fun. Why bother to deny it. I would find it fun …. BUT I would certainly need to be quite stupid to ever try stealing credit cards and expect not to get caught or face a smashing truckload of negative karma.

Gosh, what is unhappening Singapore going to do without Ris Low? The judges don’t deserve to be shot. Instead, I think they should be applauded for allowing Ms Low to be herself, thus bringing to our screens, a long, highly entertaining saga never seen in the history of the pageant. How can we not thank the judges for such a “spin-off”, albeit an unintentional one?

In her last public statement, Miss Low tells us that she’s going to open a cake shop and hire ex-convicts. OK, that has to be one the least tickling of things she said. I hope she chooses her employees well. Maybe she will as she probably knows all the tricks already.

You spent the whole night gambling with friends. Your wife asks you where you’ve been. You’re afraid she’ll find out about your gambling. What do you tell her? That you spent the night at a coffeeshop at Geylang?

Goodness. If Ris Low is bimbotic, then her apologists who tried to explain her widely publicised interview as an episode of bipolar disorder must be totally braindead. Every idiot knows that if your English is not up to standard, you can go for remedial classes (if you’re studying still) and make more ang moh boy … I mean… friends to improve yourself.

To claim that you can actually speak “perfect English” at another time and place and to explain that embarrassing episode as an attack of bipolar disorder is downright foolish. Do these folks know what that means? Bipolar disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis.

Bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression) causes serious shifts in mood, energy, thinking, and behavior–from the highs of mania on one extreme, to the lows of depression on the other. More than just a fleeting good or bad mood, the cycles of bipolar disorder last for days, weeks, or months. And unlike ordinary mood swings, the mood changes of bipolar disorder are so intense that they interfere with your ability to function.

During a manic episode, a person might impulsively quit a job, charge up huge amounts on credit cards, or feel rested after sleeping two hours. During a depressive episode, the same person might be too tired to get out of bed and full of self-loathing and hopelessness over being unemployed and in debt.

I guess it would be all right to claim mental illness if you’ve killed someone, but claiming mental illness for stealing credit cards and performing poorly at an interview? Hasn’t there been enough stupidity surrounding this saga? Please! Miss Ris Low has suffered enough from all that bad publicity (though I think she hadn’t been adequately punished for lingerie shopping with patients’ credit cards). These equally bimbotic supporters shouldn’t try to “help” her by sticking that bipolar disorder label on her.

Step aside, Mark Lee, we have a potential comedian waiting in the wings. More laughs to come when our TV station signs her up.